Blogger Word Verification: Ferstado

MR. FERSTADO

'Alo, I'm-a Mister Ferstado, and I'm-a here to tell you about all-a the great deals-0 that I gotta at my new MR. FERSTADO'S DISCOUNT HEALTHY STORE down on Route 1 here in Elizabeth, New Jersey. I'm-a gonna tell you, you ain't-a gonna find any better deals than here! Look-a dis:

Holds up a broken-down kitchen appliance that looks like it might have at one time been a food processor or a blender.

FERSTADO

I'm-a tellin' you! You like-a healthy food! This-a thing is-a gonna make-a you healthy shakes from every day ordinary food! All-a you gotta do is put in your favorites: celery, zuchini, all sorts of green-leafy crap [he does so, stuffing the blender-thing with all sorts of green, leafy crap of the vegetable variety] and there you go! Flippa-the-switch and BANG!

And BANG! indeed. There is an electrical explosion, as the lights flicker on and off, and then go black.

FERSTADO

[in the darkness] 'Ey, Luigi! Something's a-matter with the flippin' lights! Turn-a da lights back on!

OFF-STAGE VOICE/LUIGI

Okay, Boss.

And the lights DO come back on. FERSTADO stands there with the now burnt-out blender-machine thing in his hand, which now resembles about half of what it previously was.

FERSTADO

[at the machine]

'Ay, what can I tell you! This-a one's broke! But we gotta plenty more where that come from!
[throws the broken machine over his shoulders; moving on] But now, I'mma gonna show you somethin' real nice, somethin' you gonna like, real good! Come 'ere:

FERSTADO moves us over to what looks to be a stationary bike but one which is hooked up to a car engine battery with dozens and dozens of wires.

FERSTADO

This here, you-a gonna love! Lessay you come-a home from-a your job, and you wanna exercise because you-a fat, but you donna got no time or the energy to do it with your husband and your kids going WAAAA! WAAAA! WAAAA! Well, that'sa okay! Because I gotta the thing for you! This machine here is gonna take off twice the pounds from you with half the time and half the effort! Hey-a Luigi!

LUIGI/OFF-STAGE VOICE

Yah, boss?

FERSTADO

Get over here!

LUIGI/OFF-STAGE

I'm-a kinda in the middle-a...

FERSTADO

GET OVER HERE!!!

LUIGI

All right, boss!

LUIGI enters. He's dressed exactly like Luigi from the Mario Brothers games, complete with green overalls/outfit, mustache (not green), and cap.

FERSTADO

Hey, Luigi! [to the audience] this is Luigi!

LUIGI

[very large]

HOW'A YOU DOIN'?

FERSTADO

Hey Luigi, what did you usta do before you came and worked for me?

LUIGI

I was a plumber.

FERSTADO

You hear-a dat! He was a plumber. Why'd you quit Luigi?

LUIGI

Because I was tired of dealing with all the s---

FERSTADO

Okay, Luigi! That's enough, that's enough. Now: [pause] Get on the machine.

LUIGI

Which machine, boss?

FERSTADO

This machine, Luigi.

LUIGI

That machine, boss?

FERSTADO

That machine, Luigi.

LUIGI

I don' wanna boss.

FERSTADO

Why not, Luigi?

LUIGI

I'm a frightened, boss.

FERSTADO

So you're-a scared, Luigi.

LUIGI

I'm-a notta scared, Boss. I'm a Frightened!

Pause.

FERSTADO

Get on the machine, Luigi.

LUIGI

No boss.

FERSTADO

[slightly more insistent / dangerous]

Get onna the machine, Luigi.

LUIGI

No thank you, boss.

Pause.

FERSTADO

GETONNADAMACHINE, LUIGI!!!!

LUIGI

All right, boss!

LUIGI hops onto the machine.

FERSTADO

Pedal da machine, Luigi...

LUIGI

I don't wanna---

FERSTADO

PEDALDAMACHINA!

LUIGI

ALLRIGHT!!!

LUIGI starts pedaling frantically.

FERSTADO

[speaking again to the audience]

Now you see, ladies and gentlemen, that Luigi is-a pedaling which-a make the gears and wheels go-around-and-around, like-a any other bike...but this no any-other bike! Oh no! Because-a this bike, she'sa gonna do the work for you! All you gotta do is get on this-a bike and start-a pedaling, and start pedaling fasta--[to Luigi] Pedal Fasta, Luigi!

LUIGI

[going faster all the time]

I'm-a tryin' boss!

FERSTADO

PEDALFASTA, LUIGI!

LUIGI

[still faster]

I'MATRYIN'BOSS!

FERSTADO

And once Luigi has got it goin'a nice and fast, all I'm-a gonna do is throw-a da switch---you ready, Luigi?

LUIGI is frantically saying a "Hail, Mary."

FERSTADO

I said, you ready Luigi?

LUIGI

It'sa good as any day to die!

FERSTADO

You such a baby! In five-four-three-two...

Pause; throws the switch.

FERSTADO

One.

FERSTADO throws the switch and the machine whirs, whirs, whirs, lurching desperately as if it's ready to explode and then---amazingly, it starts to work, the engine starts humming, and the gears start pumping.

FERSTADO

There, what did I tell'ya!

LUIGI opens his eyes and stares, patting his body all over with his hands.

LUIGI

It's a miracle!

FERSTADO

What did I say?

LUIGI

I'm-a-live!

FERSTADO

Shutuppayourface!

LUIGI smiles to himself, quietly peddling, put still peddling hard.

FERSTADO

There, you see! Halfa the exercise without halfa the work! Good for anybody on the go! How you doin' Luigi!

LUIGI

I'm-a good, boss.

FERSTADO

That'sa nice.

LUIGI

I'ma little hot.

FERSTADO

That'sa okay. Because this machine, she'sa come with a air conditioning system, keepa you nice and cool during your hard work outs, see? [moves to the front of the machine to a small electric fan mounted on the handle bars] There you see, you just flippa da switch on the fan, and...[he does so]...

BANG!!! The same as before! The flash of light! Sound of an explosion! And then darkness!

FERSTADO

[in the darkness]

LUIGI! WHADDAYA DO TA MY MACHINA!

Pause.

LUIGI! [moving around in the clutter] I swear, I'mma gonna---where is da light! AVE' MARIA!

A little more fumbling around in the dark, then...a flashlight comes on, held by FERSTADO, giving us just his upper torso and face.

MR. FERSTADO

[to us, the audience]

HEY, there you are! What can I tell you, it broke! But that'sa okay! We gotta plenty more where that came from! But I'm afraid we've run all outta time for today! You come back and see me, next time, I'mma gonna show you a great-a machina, this one for exercising your pets! That'sa right--all your doggas anda cattas, you name it! So come on back next time to MR. FERSTADO'S DISCOUNT HEALTHY STORE!