SIMON
[in mid-stream]
...and I'm walking down the street and it's a normal day and the sun is out and shining and the clouds are those big, honkin' monstrous fluffy clouds that I love, the ones that only happen in the middle summer months and I'm feeling the sun beat down on my face and the everyone is out and about and babies are in their prams and mothers are smiling and the birds are singing and the stores all have display tables of books and baseball cards and American flags out on the sidewalk and racks of short sleeve shirts and summer dresses and everyone's wearing shorts and flip-flops and tanned skin---DR. BOB
[interrupting]
I'm sorry, this is a dream?SIMON
No, this happened today.DR. BOB
Oh.SIMON
[continuing]
And the ice cream truck is driving down the street...DR. BOB
[interrupting again]
I'm sorry, you said this happened today.SIMON
Yes. Today. On my way here. [continuing] And the squirrels are eating their nuts--DR. BOB
[interrupting a third time]
It's January.SIMON
[exactly his point]
Yes. That's what I've been trying to tell you.DR. BOB
I see.SIMON
[continuing, even more feverishly, desperately]
And I know it's January, of course it's January; it was January yesterday and the day before yesterday and the day before yesterday, and before that it was December!!! HOW CAN I NOT KNOW IT'S JANUARY! And the weather report said it's supposed to be a high of ten degrees with a wind chill factor of negative two!DR. BOB
[understanding now, jotting notes of some importance]
I see.SIMON
But it's not! It can't be! I mean, I know what negative two feels like! I know what it looks like too. Pale blue sky, far away sun, thin wispy clouds, last year's Christmas lights on the lampposts, people walking around in thick coats with their heads down, my head down looking at my feet!!!DR. BOB
[trying to calm him down]
Okay, now...just...take a couple of deep breathes...please...SIMON
Yes...[tries to do so, can't]...of course...[tries]...I know...[same, desperate]...it's just...I know it's winter...I know it's January...DR. BOB
It's okay. Just, please: Breathe.SIMON does breathe. A few nice deep breathes - the first taking some effort; the second much more effective, calming; the third really does seem to be doing the job as he closes his eyes and melts a little into the couch.
DR. BOB
Now, just tell me: you're walking down the street...SIMON
Yes.DR. BOB
And it's winter...SIMON
[uncertain]
Yes...DR. BOB
You know it's winter...SIMON
[definite]
Yes.DR. BOB
But outside...SIMON
[insistent]
Yes!DR. BOB
Outside, it's summer.SIMON
YES! YES! YES, YES, YES!DR. BOB stands up and moves to the window (yes, there's a window in the office) and draws up the shade - outside is a beautiful, picturesque winter scene - complete with snowy branches, pale sky, maybe even an ice skating pond in the background - whatever works!
SIMON looks to it and, obviously seeing what the audience and DR. BOB sees, collapses into himself, muttering...
SIMON
Oh god...oh god...DR. BOB
Now, I know things may seem...desperate at first...SIMON
Oh god, oh god, what is wrong with me...DR. BOB
[moves to Simon and puts a hand on his shoulder]
Now, now.SIMON
There's something wrong with me!DR. BOB
There's nothing wrong with you.SIMON
[stopped]
There...[pause]...there isn't?DR. BOB
No.SIMON
[instantly reassured]
My god, Thank God!DR. BOB
There's nothing wrong with you.SIMON
Thank God! Thank you God!DR. BOB
But there is something wrong with your brain.SIMON
[instantly transforming back to misery and grief]
My god, OH MY GOD! My Brain!DR. BOB
Yes.SIMON
OH MY GOD! THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY BRAIN!!! OH GOD! OH GOD!DR. BOB
[unfazed by his screaming; probably used to it by now]
It's called a culfusum.SIMON
MY GOD, OH MY GOD! A CULFUSUM! A CULFUSUM! [a beat] What's a culfusum?DR. BOB
It really is nothing serious. SIMON
My god, thank god.DR. BOB
In fact, it can be quite pleasant...SIMON
Thank God!DR. BOB
But deadly!SIMON
OH GOD, OH MY GOD!!!DR. BOB
If not treated immediately.SIMON
Oh---[stops; he has no idea how to react to this, along his typical manic continuum]DR. BOB
Unfortunately, I am not able to treat it myself...SIMON starts hyperventilating. DR. BOB starts writing something on a small prescription sized pad.
DR. BOB
But fortunately I know somebody who can. SIMON
You do?DR. BOB
I do. [finishes writing, rips the paper off of the pad] This is the name of a colleague of mine, a Dr. Lydia Rooster...
DR. BOB hands the piece of paper to SIMON. SIMON does not take it, hesitates.
SIMON nervously takes the piece of paper.
DR. BOB nods "your welcome." SIMON goes to leave, DR. BOB sits, going back to his notes; he stops at the door; a moment of hesitation before he speaks:
Long pause; SIMON stands there at the door, puzzled; he starts to say something again:
DR. BOB still sitting in his chair, lets out a great big squawk!
DR. BOB jumps up on the chair "squawking" and flapping his wings! His jacket comes off revealing large, brightly colored, multi-colored wings!
SIMON screams! DR. BOB jumps off his chair and chases SIMON out of the room, himself stopping at the door. DR. BOB turns back around, walks normally, back to his chair, puts on his jacket and sits down, resuming to write in his notes.
Lights down...
SIMON
Rooster?DR. BOB
Roster.SIMON
You said rooster?DR. BOB
Did I? [to himself] I don't think I did. [back to SIMON] Now Dr. Rooster...SIMON
Roster.DR. BOB
...Roster, deals with culfusums all the time. She, in fact, wrote the definitive book on culfusums and has done much some of the most important research on the subject. If anyone can help you, she can help you.DR. BOB hands the piece of paper to SIMON. SIMON does not take it, hesitates.
SIMON
Can she help me?Pause.
DR. BOB
Yes.SIMON nervously takes the piece of paper.
SIMON
Thank you, Dr. Bob. DR. BOB
You're welcome. [looks at the clock next to his chair] I'm afraid our time is up. But you take that piece of paper and you call Dr. Roster.SIMON
Rooster.DR. BOB
Roster.SIMON
Roster.DR. BOB
...and see her right away.SIMON
Thank you, Dr. Bob.DR. BOB nods "your welcome." SIMON goes to leave, DR. BOB sits, going back to his notes; he stops at the door; a moment of hesitation before he speaks:
SIMON
Dr. Bob...DR. BOB
Yes?SIMON
What is...a culfusum?DR. BOB
[in his notes]
In layman's terms: living in a dream.When the unconscious mind invades the conscious perception of reality.
SIMON
[after a pause; clearly not understanding]
Dr. Bob?DR. BOB
Long pause; SIMON stands there at the door, puzzled; he starts to say something again:
SIMON
Dr. Bob...DR. BOB still sitting in his chair, lets out a great big squawk!
DR. BOB
SQUSQUAAAAAAAAAAAK!SIMON
Dr. Bob?DR. BOB jumps up on the chair "squawking" and flapping his wings! His jacket comes off revealing large, brightly colored, multi-colored wings!
DR. BOB
SQUASQUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!SIMON screams! DR. BOB jumps off his chair and chases SIMON out of the room, himself stopping at the door. DR. BOB turns back around, walks normally, back to his chair, puts on his jacket and sits down, resuming to write in his notes.
DR. BOB
[to himself; writing]
Very interesting, indeed...Lights down...
7 comments:
I lol'd muchly. :D That was the type of thing that inspires me to write, just because it's so freaking fun to read. =]
thanks!
Holy crap, I just realized he turns into some sort of rooster thing in the end after subliminally saying rooster. Ridiculous that I didn't even realize I was writing that when I did!!!
Roster- Rooster.
This took my face from :( to :D.
I liked Dr. Bob, I'm glad he isn't my therapist though.
Hahaha! I didn't notice while reading! That's awesome.
Simon is the one on the couch now.
hahaha.
(Losing Game... How ironic)
haha! this is great... I was lost in a deep dark hopeless pit of homework when I realized "I havent checked mihaliks blog in forever!!!" and I checked... and then I laughed... and I laughed... and I nearly cried. I like it :-) I like it a lot!
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