scurrilous (adj.) - vulgar; abusive.

An office with two separate areas divided by a door or the indication of a door in the middle of the stage. On one side is the office of MR. SCURRILOUS, a pleasant looking executive sitting at a large desk, and on the other side of the door is the waiting room, made up of the RECEPTIONIST, sitting at her smaller desk, and a few chairs; sitting in one of these chairs in a shirt and tie, carrying a resume and portfolio, is EVAN, who, from his body language, one might imply is here for the first time.

At rise, MR. SCURRILOUS presses the button on his phone/intercom.

SCURRILOUS

Send the scum-bag in.

EVANS looks up at the RECEPTIONIST, a little bit shocked.

RECEPTIONIST

[as if nothing unusual had been said]

Yes, sir. [to EVANS] Mr. Scurrilous will see you now.

EVANS

[politely; standing]

Thank you.

EVANS begins walking into SCURRILOUS' office; stops.

EVANS

I'm sorry, but...have I done something wrong?

RECEPTIONIST

No. Why do you ask?

EVANS

It's just...[unsure how to proceed]...the intercom...

RECEPTIONIST

[realizing]

Oh, that. Oh you'll get used to that. That's just how Mr. Scurrilous talks. He doesn't mean anything by it. You'll get used to it.

EVANS

Oh.

RECEPTIONIST

[cheerily; thumbs up maybe?]

Good luck!

EVANS smiles and walks into the room. SCURRILOUS stands to greet him; his manner, tone, and demeanor always polite, professional, despite --and, in fact, often in direct contrast to--his words:

SCURRILOUS

Have a seat, you awful piece of crap.

EVANS

[stops, unsure, then:]

Thank you.

SCURRILOUS motions towards the seat. EVANS sits.

SCURRILOUS

So you're here for the executive assistant's position.

EVANS

Yes, sir.

SCURRILOUS

What a horrible waste of my time.

EVANS

Excuse me?

SCURRILOUS

I assume that you have previous experience as an assistant at the executive level.

EVANS

Yes, sir.

SCURRILOUS

[all smiles]

You would, wouldn't you, you piece of human garbage.

EVANS

I'm...I'm sorry sir. Have I done something wrong?

SCURRILOUS

What do you mean?

EVANS

I...nothing, sir.

SCURRILOUS

I assume from your cheap store bought suit that you have a resume with you?

EVANS

Um...yes?

SCURRILOUS

May I?

EVANS hands the resume across the desk to SCURRILOUS who begins looking it over.

SCURRILOUS

Awful. [flips the page] Just awful. [to EVANS] It says here you worked two years for AIG.

EVANS

Yes, sir.

SCURRILOUS

Would you say you were mediocre or just god-awful at your position there?

Pause.

EVANS

[trying to recover, turn around an impossible to answer question]

I...started working there right after I finished my bachelors degree...from Rutgers.

SCURRILOUS

[nodding, as if in approval]

A loser school. Filled with loser people. I have a good friend, who's a complete loser, whose loser daughter graduated from there this fall. She's sure to turn out to be a complete waste of space, like her dad. Were you involved in any sports while you were there, which I'm sure you were completely atrocious at.

EVANS

Um...well, and I did run track my freshman year.

SCURRILOUS

[making notes on the resume]

Quitter.

EVANS

But I became involved in the student government...

SCURRILOUS

[another note]

Idiot.

EVANS

So I spent most of my time with that...and community service.

SCURRILOUS

[nodding approval]

Excellent. To pad your resume, I assume.

EVANS

No, I...like...helping people.

SCURRILOUS

Liar.

EVANS

What?

SCURRILOUS

Suck-up.

EVANS

Excuse me?

SCURRILOUS

Brown-noser, sycophant, yes-man. Well, everything seems to be in order here. [he tears the resume lengthwise in two] I'm afraid you have the job.

EVANS

I...[pause]...I what?

SCURRILOUS

You're everything I could ever want or expect in an executive assistant. You start work on Monday.

EVANS

I...[grabbing his hand and shaking it]...you won't be disappointed.

SCURRILOUS

Oh, I doubt that.

EVANS

[still taken aback, but recovering much faster now]

I...thank you, sir. Thank you.

SCURRILOUS

Don't mention it.

EVANS

Thank you, sir.

SCURRILOUS

No, seriously: don't mention it. Or I kill you.

EVANS stops dead in his tracks. SCURRILOUS doesn't even blink.

SCURRILOUS

See you on Monday. If you can find your way back to the office, you brainless simpleton.

SCURRILOUS goes back to his work. EVANS look at him, standing there for a long moment, then turns and walks out the door. The RECEPTIONIST looks up from her desk.

RECEPTIONIST

How'd it go?

EVANS

I...don't know. [pause] I got the job.

RECEPTIONIST

That's great.

EVANS

Is it?

RECEPTIONIST

Sure it is. [knowingly] Don't worry about him. You'll get used to it. He really is a nice man.
See you on Monday!

EVANS blinks a couple of times, then walks out the door. A pause. SCURRILOUS presses the button on the intercom.

SCURRILOUS

Ms. Douglas?

RECEPTIONIST

Yes, sir?

SCURRILOUS

Would you come in and take a letter--that is if you can muster the small amount of brain power it takes to pick up a pen. [this is said in the same tone as: if you're not doing anything more important.]

RECEPTIONIST

Yes, sir.

She picks up her pen and pad and walks towards his door. Blackout.