SON
Father, what is it?DAUGHTER
Rest, father, rest.DOCTOR
It's okay, George [the Old Man], be still.HIS WIFE
Be still, George.OLD MAN
I want to say...DAUGHTER
He wants to say something.OLDEST FRIEND
We're all here, George. What is it?OLD MAN
I know my time is growing short.HIS WIFE
No, my dearest...OLD MAN
No, no. I know. A man knows. Doesn't he, doctor?DOCTOR
Oh, some do. Some do.OLD MAN
And when a man's time is short, he sees it necessary to weigh what he has said over the course of a life time, and correct for any mistakes and false statements he has made...SON
You haven't made any false statements, dad.OLD MAN
No, no. It's important that a man be true and clear in what he says. [to his daughter] A woman too. And so, as the time draws nigh, I find it necessary...[struggling]...I find it necessary to admit to you all now...[struggling]HIS WIFE
[noticing his struggle]
Please, George. Don't strain yourself.OLD MAN
No...no...I must...you must know...I must tell you all...that I never...never...
...liked...
...friends.
OLD MAN collapses under the strain of his admission and is still. A moment.
HIS WIFE
I don't understand.OLDEST FRIEND
[hurt]
What does he mean?SON
It doesn't make any sense.DAUGHTER
Why would he say that?OLDEST FRIEND
Did I do something to...offend him.HIS WIFE
I'm sure you didn't. Doctor, what does it mean?DOCTOR
I'm sure it was nothing. People in his condition...say things.SON
But he sounded so positive. He made it sound so important.OLDEST FRIEND
He never liked friends? Surely he didn't mean me.HIS WIFE
Do you think he meant his wife? His family?DAUGHTER
[highly distraught]
Oh daddy! He doesn't love us!SON
[comforting her]
There there! There must be some mistake!HIS WIFE
Look! He's coming to!OLDEST FRIEND
[a little cold]
Oh, is he now?SON
He is!And so the OLD MAN opens his eyes.
DOCTOR
You gave us a bit of a scare there for a moment. We thought we'd lost you.OLD MAN
Is it...time?DOCTOR
Very soon, old boy. You just rest.SON
Father?OLD MAN
Yes, son.
SON
Just now when you said...what you said.OLD MAN
[a little confused]
What I said...?OLDEST FRIEND
When you said you didn't like your friends!SON
Yes. When you said that, surely you didn't mean...all of your friends.OLDEST FRIEND
[unable to hold back]
Surely you didn't mean me, George! We've been friend forever! Since grade school. And I've never done you any wrong!HIS WIFE
And you surely didn't mean me, did you George? Your wife. You dearest and closest friend.OLDEST FRIEND
Next to me, of course. I have known him since grade school.HIS WIFE
Yes, but I'm his wife.OLDEST FRIEND
But you're a woman.HIS WIFE
What is that supposed to mean?OLDEST FRIEND
I merely meant that a man's best friend is clearly another man!HIS WIFE
A man's best friend is his closest companion.OLDEST FRIEND
Who is clearly another man.HIS WIFE
Well!SON
Surely you didn't mean us, daddy. Your own flesh and blood.DAUGHTER
Yes, daddy. Surely you didn't mean us.HIS WIFE
Who was it who had to deal with all his habits...his odors!OLDEST FRIEND
Are you telling me I don't know how George smelled?DAUGHTER
Say that you love us, daddy!SON
Yes, daddy do!OLDEST FRIEND
Tell her I know how bad you smell George!HIS WIFE
Tell him I'm your best friend, George!OLDEST FRIEND
He said he didn't like his friends!HIS WIFE
Idiot!OLDEST FRIEND
Succubus!HIS WIFE
Illiterate!DOCTOR
[trying to take control]
Please! Please! [at the OLD MAN] He's trying to speak. Go ahead, George:The OLD MAN, in fact, has raised himself up once more and is trying to say something.
OLD MAN
When I said...HIS WIFE
Yes?OLD MAN
That I never liked...friends...SON & DAUGHTER
Yes??OLD MAN
I didn't mean...my friends...OLDEST FRIEND
Yes???OLD MAN
I meant...friends.....OLDEST FRIEND & WIFE
Yes??OLD MAN
I meant..........friends....ALL IN THE ROOM (except Doctor)
Yesssssssssssss????OLD MAN
The TV show.Pause.
ALL IN THE ROOM (except Doctor)
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.OLDEST FRIEND
Well, that makes a lot more sense.HIS WIFE
I never should have doubted.DAUGHTER
Oh, daddy!OLDEST FRIEND
Good old, George!SON
Wait a moment: [to his father] You mean Friends, the TV show?OLD MAN
Yes.SON
Joey, Rachael, Ross Friends?
OLD MAN
Yes.SON
But that was a really funny show.OLD MAN groans slightly.
SON
It was! They had a lot of funny lines on that show.OLD MAN
But that's just it. It was all about the one-liners. There was no substance.SON
Sure there was! It was about the relationships between the characters.DAUGHTER
That's right, daddy! It was all about the relationships!OLD MAN
But that's just it, the relationships weren't real!DAUGHTER
Sure they are. That's what made them so good!OLD MAN
That's what made it so stupid! Six friends, living in the same apartment...DAUGHTER
They didn't live in the same apartment. Not for the entire series.OLD MAN
Still! It was not a representation of real life! [to his wife] You agree with me, don't you?HIS WIFE
Well...[pause] It was a funny show, George. [to everyone else] I always liked Phoebe.SON
I see you more as a Monica.HIS WIFE
Oh, certainly. But I always liked Phoebe. The smelly cat song!DAUGHTER
[to SON]
Who do I remind you of?SON
Rachael.OLDEST FRIEND
Definitely Rachael.The OLD MAN turns to his friend; devastated!
OLD MAN
[betrayed]
Et tu?OLDEST FRIEND
I'm...I'm sorry, but I always thought it was a good show. [to all] I always thought of my self as a Ross.EVERYONE speaks out in agreement.
OLD MAN
[interrupting]
You see! You see why I kept this from all of you, for so many years! Do you know what it is like, living in a world where you are not understood, surrounded by people who love such a stupid, inane show.EVERYONE speaks out again in defense of themselves and the show.
HIS WIFE
Doctor, what's the matter with him? Is he delirious?DOCTOR
Frankly there's nothing wrong with his mind or his reasoning. I always thought it was a stupid show. The fact that Ross had a monkey is absurd!DAUGHTER
Well, what show did you like, Doctor?DOCTOR
Frankly, I was always an X-Files fan.
THE GROUP
[ad-lib]
X-Files! Are you mad? You think Friends is absurd?? What's wrong with you???Again, a commotion rises up from the GROUP, debating the merits of the two shows, quite ardently. Over top of the general din, the OLD MAN lifts himself up, standing above them all on the bed? He speaks:
OLD MAN
At least now I can die in peace, knowing that my true feelings have been heard, and that I dared to live above the masses, that I dared to say that the Emperor had no clothes, that I dared to admit what all others would not, that Friends, and Everyone Loves Raymond, and Fraser, and Seinfeld are all formulaic pieces of dried up excrement! That the the American sitcom...is...dead.And with that, the OLD MAN dies. The group looks to where he lies in the bed, and then continue to argue fervently again. A few more moments of this as lights fade to black.
Dedicated to Roger Cornish who loved these kinds of scenes.
3 comments:
hehe. I really enjoyed it. There was just so much there in the depth of the man and the lack thereof in those around him.. In the different pieces of the shows (I love Friends!) and even a little Caesar thrown in the mix. It was semi ridiculous or bigger than life or whatever but it was great. I can't imagine anyone discussing sitcoms as their last living words... But if they were going to this would be perfect. :-)
Nice work, I personally side with the old man and the doctor about Friends, I can't stand them. Not my style, but I like it.
Yay... X-files.
I really like this, it kind of reminds me some of the things I hear Angela say. About how its unrealistic, or that could have been some one else.
Friends is crap.
X-Files is Amazing.
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