"Wipe that smug look off your face..."

LIGHTS UP on a classroom. SAM is sitting at his desk doing a math problem. MR. SAMUEL is walking around the class room. MR. SAMUEL walks over to SAM's desk.

MR. SAMUEL
Wipe that smug look off your face.

SAM
What'd I do?

MR. SAMUEL
Don't talk back to me.

SAM
But...

MR. SAMUEL slaps SAM in the face, open-handed. Pause.

MR. SAMUEL
Now. Wipe that smug look off your face.

Pause.

SAM
I don't know what you mean.

MR. SAMUEL slaps him!

SAMUEL
Now. Wipe. That Smug Look. Off. Your. Face!

SAM
No!

MR. SAMUEL slaps him; SAMUEL slaps MR. SAMUEL back. Pause.

MR. SAMUEL
How DARE you!

SAM
You can't hit me! You're a teacher.

MR. SAMUEL slaps him, SAM slaps him back. They continue doing this for some time until MRS. DARCY walks in.

MRS. DARCY
WHAT is going on here?

MR. SAMUEL & SAM
He started it!

MRS. DARCY shakes her head.

MRS. DARCY
I knew it was a mistake to let you have your son in class. [stands SAM up] Come on. We'll go to guidance and get you a transfer.

MRS. DARCY walks SAM to the door; he sticks his tongue out at his father, MR. SAMUEL, who sticks his tongue right back out. BLACK OUT.

1:06AM

A young woman, in her 20s or 30s, sits on a couch watching TV. It is late, obviously, as all lights are out and the stage is lit only by the light of the television. The sounds of a typical infomercial is heard, chattering away. The woman sits watching, passively. A man enters and sits beside her, takes her hand.

Man
Can't sleep?

Woman
Can't sleep.

Pause. Sound of the infomercial fills the silence.

Man
Have you tried--?

Woman
I've tried. That's why I'm out here.

Man
Sure.

Pause. The Man yawns.

Woman
You don't have to--

Man
It's okay.

Pause. Longer. The man yawns again.

Woman
Seriously, I'm fine.

Man
Are you sure?

Woman
I'm sure.

Pause.

Man
It's just--

Woman
I know.

Man
I have to get up so early.

Woman
I know.

Man
Or else...

Woman
It's okay.

Man
I'd totally stay up.

Woman
There's no use both of us.

Man
I know. I know.

Pause.

Man
Are you sure?

Woman
I'm sure.

Pause; the Man gets up from the couch. Starts towards the bedroom. Stops. Comes back behind the couch, puts a hand on her shoulder.

Man
I love you.

Woman
I love you too.

Pause. The Man goes back to the bedroom. The Woman stays, watching the television. The infomercial blares. Lights fade.

Blogger Word Verification: Carshea!

A play in 5 Variations

VARIATION 1

A MAN walking by ANOTHER MAN, his arms full of groceries. They almost collide.

MAN
Carshea!

ANOTHER MAN
Hey, carshea yourself, buddy!

***

VARIATION 2

A MAN standing next to ANOTHER MAN at a party. MAN holds out a plate filled with strange small food items.

MAN
Carshea?

ANOTHER MAN
No thank you. I'm on a diet.

MAN shrugs and eats one himself.

***

VARIATION 3

A MAN approaches ANOTHER MAN in the street.

MAN
Carshea?

ANOTHER MAN
I'm sorry?

MAN
Car-shea?

ANOTHER MAN
I'm...I don't speak...[stops, not sure what language MAN is speaking]

MAN
[thinks, then, acts it out]
Car-[pantomimes]-she-[an action]-uh! [conclusion]

ANOTHER MAN
Oh! [understanding] Car-she-a. [points] Around the corner, straight ahead, you can't miss it.

MAN
[perfect English, no accent]
Thank you very much!

ANOTHER MAN smiles politely, MAN exits; then, with a double-take, ANOTHER MAN stares after him.

***

Variation 4

MAN is in a room, kissing a WOMAN.

MAN
[softly]
Carshea...

WOMAN/CARSHEA
Frank...

ANOTHER MAN enters. Sees them!

ANOTHER MAN
[in surprise]
Carshea!

WOMAN/CARSHEA
Frank!

ANOTHER MAN
Frank! [back to the WOMAN] Carshea!

WOMAN/CARSHEA
[as if to say, I can explain]
Frank.

ANOTHER MAN
Don't say another word. I'd expect it of my evil brother, Frank...[truly hurt]...but you, Carshea. How could you!

ANOTHER MAN goes to leave. WOMAN/CARSHEA follows him as far as the door!

WOMAN/CARSHEA
FRANK!!!

But ANOTHER MAN is gone. WOMAN/CARSHEA turns back to MAN, who smiles.

MAN
Carshea.

WOMAN/CARSHEA
Frank.

She returns to him, and they kiss again.

***

VARIATION 5

A MAN and ANOTHER MAN stand at a train station. The train whistle blows, a long drawn out, haunting whistle. MAN has a suitcase next to him.

ANOTHER MAN
That's your train.

MAN says nothing, filled with emotion.

They stand there, together, not knowing what to say, and neither moves. Silence. And then the whistle blows again.

ANOTHER MAN
You better go.

MAN does not speak.

Silence. A third and final whistle. Suddenly ANOTHER MAN embraces MAN, holds him for a moment, and then they separate.

MAN
[with meaning]
Carshea.

MAN turns and goes. ANOTHER MAN stands stunned for a moment, and then moves after him!

ANOTHER MAN
Wait!

MAN turns back to him, stops.

ANOTHER MAN
I don't know what that word means.

Silence. MAN looks at him, and then turns away again, moving quickly off the platform.

ANOTHER MAN
[yelling off to him]
I don't know what it means!

He is stopped short by the sound of the whistle and the train pulling away from the station (which we do not see), the chugging, the sound of steam, away and away, and gone. We hear this for a long moment and then silence.

ANOTHER MAN
[after all sound has gone away, saying the word as if it is all he has left]
Carshea.

End.

Blogger Word Verification: Tatorant

POTATO, dressed a big brown burlap sack with eyes all over his body (something like that) stands in the middle of the stage.

POTATO

[ranting]

I am SICK AND TIRED of my people being eaten by hairless apes, raised in fields for slaughter, turned into processed salt covered wafers, boiled in oil, sliced and covered in cheese and butter and sour cream! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE COVERED IN CHEESE AND BUTTER AND SOUR CREAM! Or have you CHILDREN covered in CHEESE AND BUTTER AND SOUR CREAM and served at a TGI Fridays! You know who doesn't thank god it's Friday? A potato, that's who! Don't you DARE play INNOCENT with ME! I can tell, just from the way you're looking at me, all of you, you're just thinking of what you could serve me with! YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK!

Storms off stage. Blackout.

Blogger Word Verification: Divit

A sign reads Div.I.T.: Division Institutional Training. In small writing on the same sign: "Yes, we are a real place." In front of it a desk. At the desk sits, NANCY, mid-thirties. Reading a book, turning pages. Clearly bored. She does this for what seems very long time. The phone rings.

NANCY

Division Institutional Training, yes we are a real place. [pause] I know you didn't ask, we were told to say that whenever anyone calls. [pause] Well because you might think we were made up simply for the sake of a piece of art or a dramatic performance or novel or short story or novella. [pause] No we don't get that question a lot. [pause] Well I don't know why you would think that, I'm just doing what I'm told. [pause; repeating the question to ponder it:] What do we do? Well...[pause]...well, we...[pause]...well, we're a division, which means that we're a part of something...something larger...and we're involved in...in...training......institutions...like maybe prisons or schools or people who have been around so long they're thought of as being indispensable. Like Alan Greenspan before he retired. Or the Harlem Globetrotters. [pause] No, not the original Harlem Globetrotters. [pause] Because they're probably all retired. Or dead. [pause] I don't know when the Harlem Globetrotters were founded. [pause] I don't know how to get tickets. [long pause] Well, that's rather rude, sir, and any way I happen to know a great deal about lot of things. [pause] Like make-up. And the Hell's Angels. And pasta dishes. And Middle Eastern politics. And Soap. [pause] No not the stuff you clean with, the American situation comedy starring Richard Mulligan that ran from the late 70s to the early 80s. [pause] Richard Mulligan. [pause; even slower] Richard---Mulligan. [pause] He was on Empty Nest. [pause] Empty Nest! [pause] It was a situation comedy from 1988 to 1995 that was a spin off of Golden Girls and also starred David Leisure as the next door neighbor. [pause] To Richard Mulligan. [pause] David---Leisure. [pause] He played Joe Isuzu on Isuzu car commercials from 1986 to 1990 and again from 1999 to 2001. [pause] No I don't know what he was doing between 1990 and 1999. Maybe he took some time off. [pause] Maybe he was burned out or wanted to branch out or his wife was sick and he wanted to spend more time with his son or he has a nervous breakdown or a midlife crisis or panic attacks or wanted to write his memoirs. [pause] About being Joe Isuzu or on Empty Nest. [pause] With Richard Mulligan. [pause] The actor on Soap. [pause] That's right, a sitcom, not the stuff you clean with. [pause] Well, I do happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. [pause] No I'm not looking it all up on wikipedia, I don't even have a computer, just a desk and a phone. [referring to the sign] And a sign. [pause] It says: "Division Institutional Training, Yes We Are a Real Place." [pause] Well if you really want to know it's my first day on the job. They just told me to sit at the desk and answer the phone and say what it says on the sign. [pause] Well, you're the first person who called. [pause] Well, you sound rather cute yourself. [pause; laughs] No... [pause; laughs more] No.............. [pause; laughs] I don't even know you. [pause] How do I know you're not an ax murderer or a serial killer...or an mortgage broker. [pause] You are? [pause] You do? [pause] You would? [pause] Really? [pause] Reallllly? [pause] Well, 5 o'clock, why? [pause] Realllllllllllllllllly. [pause] I'd like that too. [pause] Okay. [pause] Yes, I will. [pause] 156 Main Street. [pause] Well, I told you we are a real place. [pause; laughs] Yeah, I do too. [pause; earnest] Yes, I am too. I really am. [smiles] Okay, see you then. [pause] Goodbye. [pause] Bye. [starts to put down the phone] What's that...? [pause; then smiles] Nancy. What's your... [pause] That's a nice name. [pause] Bye, Edgar.

NANCY hangs up the phone. Smiles to herself. A nice long moment. Then, goes back to her book. Just as she does, the phone rings: she picks it up.

NANCY

Division Institutional Training, yes we are a real place. [pause] I know you weren't asked, we were told to say that whenever anyone calls...

Lights fade to black.

Blogger Word Verification: Culfusum

A man, SIMON, in a psychiatrist's office, lying on a couch. A psychiatrist, DR. BOB, sits across from him, in typical psychiatrist's pose. SIMON is talking feverishly, moving his hands almost wildly as he talks.

SIMON

[in mid-stream]

...and I'm walking down the street and it's a normal day and the sun is out and shining and the clouds are those big, honkin' monstrous fluffy clouds that I love, the ones that only happen in the middle summer months and I'm feeling the sun beat down on my face and the everyone is out and about and babies are in their prams and mothers are smiling and the birds are singing and the stores all have display tables of books and baseball cards and American flags out on the sidewalk and racks of short sleeve shirts and summer dresses and everyone's wearing shorts and flip-flops and tanned skin---

DR. BOB

[interrupting]

I'm sorry, this is a dream?

SIMON

No, this happened today.

DR. BOB

Oh.

SIMON

[continuing]

And the ice cream truck is driving down the street...

DR. BOB

[interrupting again]

I'm sorry, you said this happened today.

SIMON

Yes. Today. On my way here. [continuing] And the squirrels are eating their nuts--

DR. BOB

[interrupting a third time]

It's January.

SIMON

[exactly his point]

Yes. That's what I've been trying to tell you.

DR. BOB

I see.

SIMON

[continuing, even more feverishly, desperately]

And I know it's January, of course it's January; it was January yesterday and the day before yesterday and the day before yesterday, and before that it was December!!! HOW CAN I NOT KNOW IT'S JANUARY! And the weather report said it's supposed to be a high of ten degrees with a wind chill factor of negative two!

DR. BOB

[understanding now, jotting notes of some importance]

I see.

SIMON

But it's not! It can't be! I mean, I know what negative two feels like! I know what it looks like too. Pale blue sky, far away sun, thin wispy clouds, last year's Christmas lights on the lampposts, people walking around in thick coats with their heads down, my head down looking at my feet!!!

DR. BOB

[trying to calm him down]

Okay, now...just...take a couple of deep breathes...please...

SIMON

Yes...[tries to do so, can't]...of course...[tries]...I know...[same, desperate]...it's just...I know it's winter...I know it's January...

DR. BOB

It's okay. Just, please: Breathe.

SIMON does breathe. A few nice deep breathes - the first taking some effort; the second much more effective, calming; the third really does seem to be doing the job as he closes his eyes and melts a little into the couch.

DR. BOB

Now, just tell me: you're walking down the street...

SIMON

Yes.

DR. BOB

And it's winter...

SIMON

[uncertain]

Yes...

DR. BOB

You know it's winter...

SIMON

[definite]

Yes.

DR. BOB

But outside...

SIMON

[insistent]

Yes!

DR. BOB

Outside, it's summer.

SIMON

YES! YES! YES, YES, YES!

DR. BOB stands up and moves to the window (yes, there's a window in the office) and draws up the shade - outside is a beautiful, picturesque winter scene - complete with snowy branches, pale sky, maybe even an ice skating pond in the background - whatever works!
SIMON looks to it and, obviously seeing what the audience and DR. BOB sees, collapses into himself, muttering...

SIMON

Oh god...oh god...

DR. BOB

Now, I know things may seem...desperate at first...

SIMON

Oh god, oh god, what is wrong with me...

DR. BOB

[moves to Simon and puts a hand on his shoulder]

Now, now.

SIMON

There's something wrong with me!

DR. BOB

There's nothing wrong with you.

SIMON

[stopped]

There...[pause]...there isn't?

DR. BOB

No.

SIMON

[instantly reassured]

My god, Thank God!

DR. BOB

There's nothing wrong with you.

SIMON

Thank God! Thank you God!

DR. BOB

But there is something wrong with your brain.

SIMON

[instantly transforming back to misery and grief]

My god, OH MY GOD! My Brain!

DR. BOB

Yes.

SIMON

OH MY GOD! THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY BRAIN!!! OH GOD! OH GOD!

DR. BOB

[unfazed by his screaming; probably used to it by now]

It's called a culfusum.

SIMON

MY GOD, OH MY GOD! A CULFUSUM! A CULFUSUM! [a beat] What's a culfusum?

DR. BOB

It really is nothing serious.

SIMON

My god, thank god.

DR. BOB

In fact, it can be quite pleasant...

SIMON

Thank God!

DR. BOB

But deadly!

SIMON

OH GOD, OH MY GOD!!!

DR. BOB

If not treated immediately.

SIMON

Oh---[stops; he has no idea how to react to this, along his typical manic continuum]

DR. BOB

Unfortunately, I am not able to treat it myself...

SIMON starts hyperventilating. DR. BOB starts writing something on a small prescription sized pad.

DR. BOB

But fortunately I know somebody who can.

SIMON

You do?

DR. BOB

I do. [finishes writing, rips the paper off of the pad] This is the name of a colleague of mine, a Dr. Lydia Rooster...

SIMON

Rooster?

DR. BOB

Roster.

SIMON

You said rooster?

DR. BOB

Did I? [to himself] I don't think I did. [back to SIMON] Now Dr. Rooster...

SIMON

Roster.

DR. BOB

...Roster, deals with culfusums all the time. She, in fact, wrote the definitive book on culfusums and has done much some of the most important research on the subject. If anyone can help you, she can help you.

DR. BOB hands the piece of paper to SIMON. SIMON does not take it, hesitates.

SIMON

Can she help me?

Pause.

DR. BOB

Yes.

SIMON nervously takes the piece of paper.

SIMON

Thank you, Dr. Bob.

DR. BOB

You're welcome. [looks at the clock next to his chair] I'm afraid our time is up. But you take that piece of paper and you call Dr. Roster.

SIMON

Rooster.

DR. BOB

Roster.

SIMON

Roster.

DR. BOB

...and see her right away.

SIMON

Thank you, Dr. Bob.

DR. BOB nods "your welcome." SIMON goes to leave, DR. BOB sits, going back to his notes; he stops at the door; a moment of hesitation before he speaks:

SIMON

Dr. Bob...

DR. BOB

Yes?

SIMON

What is...a culfusum?

DR. BOB

[in his notes]

When the unconscious mind invades the conscious perception of reality.

SIMON

[after a pause; clearly not understanding]

Dr. Bob?

DR. BOB

In layman's terms: living in a dream.

Long pause; SIMON stands there at the door, puzzled; he starts to say something again:

SIMON

Dr. Bob...

DR. BOB still sitting in his chair, lets out a great big squawk!

DR. BOB

SQUSQUAAAAAAAAAAAK!

SIMON

Dr. Bob?

DR. BOB jumps up on the chair "squawking" and flapping his wings! His jacket comes off revealing large, brightly colored, multi-colored wings!

DR. BOB

SQUASQUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!

SIMON screams! DR. BOB jumps off his chair and chases SIMON out of the room, himself stopping at the door. DR. BOB turns back around, walks normally, back to his chair, puts on his jacket and sits down, resuming to write in his notes.

DR. BOB

[to himself; writing]

Very interesting, indeed...

Lights down...

Blogger Word Verification: Ferstado

MR. FERSTADO

'Alo, I'm-a Mister Ferstado, and I'm-a here to tell you about all-a the great deals-0 that I gotta at my new MR. FERSTADO'S DISCOUNT HEALTHY STORE down on Route 1 here in Elizabeth, New Jersey. I'm-a gonna tell you, you ain't-a gonna find any better deals than here! Look-a dis:

Holds up a broken-down kitchen appliance that looks like it might have at one time been a food processor or a blender.

FERSTADO

I'm-a tellin' you! You like-a healthy food! This-a thing is-a gonna make-a you healthy shakes from every day ordinary food! All-a you gotta do is put in your favorites: celery, zuchini, all sorts of green-leafy crap [he does so, stuffing the blender-thing with all sorts of green, leafy crap of the vegetable variety] and there you go! Flippa-the-switch and BANG!

And BANG! indeed. There is an electrical explosion, as the lights flicker on and off, and then go black.

FERSTADO

[in the darkness] 'Ey, Luigi! Something's a-matter with the flippin' lights! Turn-a da lights back on!

OFF-STAGE VOICE/LUIGI

Okay, Boss.

And the lights DO come back on. FERSTADO stands there with the now burnt-out blender-machine thing in his hand, which now resembles about half of what it previously was.

FERSTADO

[at the machine]

'Ay, what can I tell you! This-a one's broke! But we gotta plenty more where that come from!
[throws the broken machine over his shoulders; moving on] But now, I'mma gonna show you somethin' real nice, somethin' you gonna like, real good! Come 'ere:

FERSTADO moves us over to what looks to be a stationary bike but one which is hooked up to a car engine battery with dozens and dozens of wires.

FERSTADO

This here, you-a gonna love! Lessay you come-a home from-a your job, and you wanna exercise because you-a fat, but you donna got no time or the energy to do it with your husband and your kids going WAAAA! WAAAA! WAAAA! Well, that'sa okay! Because I gotta the thing for you! This machine here is gonna take off twice the pounds from you with half the time and half the effort! Hey-a Luigi!

LUIGI/OFF-STAGE VOICE

Yah, boss?

FERSTADO

Get over here!

LUIGI/OFF-STAGE

I'm-a kinda in the middle-a...

FERSTADO

GET OVER HERE!!!

LUIGI

All right, boss!

LUIGI enters. He's dressed exactly like Luigi from the Mario Brothers games, complete with green overalls/outfit, mustache (not green), and cap.

FERSTADO

Hey, Luigi! [to the audience] this is Luigi!

LUIGI

[very large]

HOW'A YOU DOIN'?

FERSTADO

Hey Luigi, what did you usta do before you came and worked for me?

LUIGI

I was a plumber.

FERSTADO

You hear-a dat! He was a plumber. Why'd you quit Luigi?

LUIGI

Because I was tired of dealing with all the s---

FERSTADO

Okay, Luigi! That's enough, that's enough. Now: [pause] Get on the machine.

LUIGI

Which machine, boss?

FERSTADO

This machine, Luigi.

LUIGI

That machine, boss?

FERSTADO

That machine, Luigi.

LUIGI

I don' wanna boss.

FERSTADO

Why not, Luigi?

LUIGI

I'm a frightened, boss.

FERSTADO

So you're-a scared, Luigi.

LUIGI

I'm-a notta scared, Boss. I'm a Frightened!

Pause.

FERSTADO

Get on the machine, Luigi.

LUIGI

No boss.

FERSTADO

[slightly more insistent / dangerous]

Get onna the machine, Luigi.

LUIGI

No thank you, boss.

Pause.

FERSTADO

GETONNADAMACHINE, LUIGI!!!!

LUIGI

All right, boss!

LUIGI hops onto the machine.

FERSTADO

Pedal da machine, Luigi...

LUIGI

I don't wanna---

FERSTADO

PEDALDAMACHINA!

LUIGI

ALLRIGHT!!!

LUIGI starts pedaling frantically.

FERSTADO

[speaking again to the audience]

Now you see, ladies and gentlemen, that Luigi is-a pedaling which-a make the gears and wheels go-around-and-around, like-a any other bike...but this no any-other bike! Oh no! Because-a this bike, she'sa gonna do the work for you! All you gotta do is get on this-a bike and start-a pedaling, and start pedaling fasta--[to Luigi] Pedal Fasta, Luigi!

LUIGI

[going faster all the time]

I'm-a tryin' boss!

FERSTADO

PEDALFASTA, LUIGI!

LUIGI

[still faster]

I'MATRYIN'BOSS!

FERSTADO

And once Luigi has got it goin'a nice and fast, all I'm-a gonna do is throw-a da switch---you ready, Luigi?

LUIGI is frantically saying a "Hail, Mary."

FERSTADO

I said, you ready Luigi?

LUIGI

It'sa good as any day to die!

FERSTADO

You such a baby! In five-four-three-two...

Pause; throws the switch.

FERSTADO

One.

FERSTADO throws the switch and the machine whirs, whirs, whirs, lurching desperately as if it's ready to explode and then---amazingly, it starts to work, the engine starts humming, and the gears start pumping.

FERSTADO

There, what did I tell'ya!

LUIGI opens his eyes and stares, patting his body all over with his hands.

LUIGI

It's a miracle!

FERSTADO

What did I say?

LUIGI

I'm-a-live!

FERSTADO

Shutuppayourface!

LUIGI smiles to himself, quietly peddling, put still peddling hard.

FERSTADO

There, you see! Halfa the exercise without halfa the work! Good for anybody on the go! How you doin' Luigi!

LUIGI

I'm-a good, boss.

FERSTADO

That'sa nice.

LUIGI

I'ma little hot.

FERSTADO

That'sa okay. Because this machine, she'sa come with a air conditioning system, keepa you nice and cool during your hard work outs, see? [moves to the front of the machine to a small electric fan mounted on the handle bars] There you see, you just flippa da switch on the fan, and...[he does so]...

BANG!!! The same as before! The flash of light! Sound of an explosion! And then darkness!

FERSTADO

[in the darkness]

LUIGI! WHADDAYA DO TA MY MACHINA!

Pause.

LUIGI! [moving around in the clutter] I swear, I'mma gonna---where is da light! AVE' MARIA!

A little more fumbling around in the dark, then...a flashlight comes on, held by FERSTADO, giving us just his upper torso and face.

MR. FERSTADO

[to us, the audience]

HEY, there you are! What can I tell you, it broke! But that'sa okay! We gotta plenty more where that came from! But I'm afraid we've run all outta time for today! You come back and see me, next time, I'mma gonna show you a great-a machina, this one for exercising your pets! That'sa right--all your doggas anda cattas, you name it! So come on back next time to MR. FERSTADO'S DISCOUNT HEALTHY STORE!